Lousy Leadership - Lame Results

IT has been a long time since I have had the motivation to write like this. I also just got a new computer, so the resources help fuel the desire, I am learning..

I attended the APD Deadly Force Protest yesterday evening, and something that has been bothering me for a while struck hard in my head while marching.

For a little background, Albuquerque Police Department is under investigation it would seem, and needs to be under extremely high scrutiny for major issues of over-use of force within the last 4 years. One of the highest cities in the country, it would seem, for fatal shootings from police officers(based on per capita numbers)-community members took to the streets to call for action and accountability.

I looked around the crowd, professionally dressed young people, hipsters and tattooed youth, senior citizens leftover from hippies times, and seniors who most likely had not engaged in a protest in years-if ever. Well dressed lawyers and State Legislators, and casually dressed middle-aged folks who reminded me of my mama. All with a similar rallying cry, it's time to take back the streets and hold Police Officers accountable....

Among the many messages(some much more on point than others) were the cries to Fire Chief Eden and Mayor Berry. IT occurred to me then, that most of these folks had that chance only a few months ago, and we had the lowest voter turnout in years for an ABQ Mayoral election... There are many reasons for low turnout I realize, but the opportunity was there-none the less...

In my months back in the activism field I’ve encountered so many leaders within our own LGBT community who’s distrust in the political system is frightening. I realize I’m an advocate for a system lots of people dislike, but hear me out anyway... Its the one we live in right now!

Lots of folks who were at this rally will never truly engage, and will spend their time yelling and marching, not voting or attending meetings, fair enough. But the Leadership in the LGBT community, and the communities of color highly affected by this type of activity-are ignoring one of their many responsibilities. Engaging in this political process is one of many ways to create lasting systemic change on these issues. And it is time for LGBT Leadership and POC Leadership to come together and encourage engagement in this process, rather than derailing people from it.

Case in point: _____(Insert name of non-profit here) is a non political organization, our only focus is to educate people about HIV and provide funding/food/shelter/medications for people living with HIV who cannot afford them. **ahem** Everything said there is political. Congress and State Legislatures are responsible for providing adequate healthcare coverage and income support for people living with HIV/AIDS. Why would an organization that raises the money to feed poor people living with HIV, not want to learn and educate others about how to create a world where its not necessary to do that!?!? I don't mind raising the money, and in fact love doing it. But I’d love even more, not doing it because there is no need...

______________(Insert name of non profit organization here) is a non political organization, our only focus is to educate the public about LGBT issues and create a safe space for LGBT individuals to celebrate their diversity and be welcomed by the community at large. **ahem** Why would a huge LGBT organization, that organizes and communicates with tens of thousands of Queer and Queer Friendly people from around the state not be interested in engaging with the organization that works to pass/protect LGBT Equality laws such as the right of same-sex couples to be married!? You really believe that as leaders of the community your only job is to provide a parade and party and lets the queers figure out on their own how to make their lives better and more equal to their hetero peers?!?!?

This rant can go on and on... Suffice it say that YES there is a need for direct services to be provided, people need help in their hand in the moment, not a referral to policy-change methodology. When the person in front of you has no food, give them food. But at the same time, give them the letters, the phone numbers and the empowerment to call the people who make decisions about their access to food, and help them help the system improve! Register them to vote! Tell them to vote! Tell them who they should vote for based on the issues they are facing, or at least how to find out who stands where on those issues...

Leadership is a nice title, for anyone who wants it. But it rings empty in many communities today. Leaders empower their communities to make change in many ways-including using a broken political system that -like it or not – is the system that we have today.

Re-rebirthing

Holy Week begins on Sunday, of Passover on Monday, Yesterday was The Feast of Ostara the Spring Equinox.

I have always been fascinated with the concept of rebirth, and through my evolution from Christianity, to atheism, to Catholicism to my Practical Paganism as I now call it, and have always been excited by the running theme of rebirth-Whether the rituals of Spring and honoring the return of life to the planet, the return of Demeter to her Mother, The survival and thriving of a Jewish People after suffering or the Resurrection of a Savior and Messiah after Dying in the heat of the Day.

The idea of rebirth is hitting home in a different way this year for me.  While I have found myself in the last few years, and especially the last few months, caught up in trivial drama, petty bickering and useless struggles with friends, family and loved ones, I am being reminded of a larger picture this year.

On the eve of her Most High Holy Day as a Christian, someone I’ve become close to is making her lover, friend partner and husband comfortable in what is likely the final few days, or even hours of his battle with HIV and multiple other illnesses to complicate it.

This phone call today, the request for visitation in the hospital that came, was like a car accident in the middle of a long stretch of Highway.  After watching this struggle for months, and this steady downward spiral into less and less likely of a “happy ending” I still had no real clue that this might happen so quickly.  And especially wasn’t prepared for holding the hand, comforting or having to be strong for someone I love losing a loved one again.

I will say this, the concept of LOVE changes daily for me.

This spring, while some celebrate a Resurrection, and some honor a struggle and exodus, others will celebrate with eggs and candy and some will eat bitter herbs and re-live their Baptisms.  I will commit to this:

I will bathe in the water of cleansing spirituality, to rid myself of the negativity that I have acquired, the sucking and smothering energies of others and of past sufferings, to be reborn a new and whole person.

I will meditate on the suffering of those who have come before me, and of those I know and love who suffer greater struggles than I, I will try to learn from their experiences, and recall that suffering is a part of our plan, the destiny we have to live and that we will overcome it, but that my suffering could be worse and that I could do more to alleviate that of others.

I will pray on the idea of resurrection, of the greatest sacrifice given, that of Love and Life for the healing of others. Knowing that this may very well be the ultimate in sacrifice, it is one made by so many everyday for something bigger than that which we are able to see.

And I will allow myself to fall apart, not hold it together not be strong not be powerful but be human and humane in these times of struggle, regardless of the thoughts of others or the perception of my peers. I will allow myself that time to be hurting and vulnerable but also remind myself that I am strong. That like the flowers and the grasses, like the Sun and the Warmth, like The Savior and the People before me, this is a time of Resurrection and Rebirth for me. 

I commit this Spring, this Holy Week, this Passover that rebirth will begin with my mind, my body, my soul and my love, and that I will use that strength to generate more love, more aide, more compassion and more justice than I have in the past. 

That, and that a handful of Cadbury Mini-Eggs are all I need to be a new person!

The Great Hunted

There were three suns in the sky that morning, and He felt the power of every one of them.

Walking down the grassy path toward his favorite hunting grounds he felt the warmth of the triple exposure. It was phenomenal, the energy it gave him and the strength he was drawing down.

This child of Sekhmet, Priest of Hera was ready for the day’s kill.  But not ready for the fight back he would suffer.

Apollo called to him from the chariot: “Brother, you walk with such grace and pride today! This gift I bring to you must have strong influence n your heart!”

The hunter smiled broadly, and seemed to make himself bigger, as if to be able to absorb more of the tripled sunlight and its fire.

Behind him a volcano was erupting, an omen of things to come?  Such destruction caused by such magnificent heat,Volcanoes were the only fire he didn’t like, the hunter. He disliked the unpredictability, he hated not knowing how close one was to going, or how long or destructive it would be.  He tried to avoid volcanoes, with all of his effort, but lately it seemed every time he went hunting, one was vomiting more of its anger, more of its terrible energy into the world he loved so much.  It knew she was trying to tell him something, Kali, She has always used this method to communicate with her followers, and though he wasn’t one of them, he knew she was reaching out to him. But what could she possibly want to say to him, Priest of the Queen of the Gods, Child of the goddess of justice and Revenge.  He was supreme hunter of the universe, no prey had ever escaped the lock of his bow, the tip of his spear was tainted with blood of prey by the thousands, those who had fought the wrong side of justice or attacked the morality of the heart.

Bringing his mind back to the hunt, he realized he had enter his favorite hunting grounds, and immediately the sight of his prey was locked in.  He smelled the fear of the young Priest of Mars, the hiding and the worry of not being good enough. Mars is the most dangerous of the gods, the hunter says to himself, he wreak havoc on order, always looking for a fight and always trying to assert his authority.  False authority annoys The hunter more than many things, He believes strongly in the integrity of Order.

Younger Priests of Mars, the newer ones are the worst. They have such zeal for their craft, such anxiety about getting it right and spilling enough blood, They often overkill on their missions, sacrifices are plentiful and the panic in the villages they overtake can be so outrageous.  The hunter begins flaring his nostrils, smelling the air more deeply.  He can sense the energy of this young priest, definitely a fighter but a young one, uneducated, unpracticed, strong but scared.  The hunter feels his teeth showing themselves, his long whip-like tail begins to sway slowly in the grass. He knows that there is already the scent of blood in the air, but he isn’t worried as he chooses-carefully-his weapon of the day didn’t seem appropriate suddenly, designed for slow and agonizing death, he had been in the mood to play with his prey this morning when he left.  Maybe all of the power of that Triple-Sun had changed something in his heart more than strength.  He felt eerily mournful for this loss of life, worried for the pain and suffering this creature might experience during this hunt.  He put away his double-headed Mace; trading ti instead for the swift accuracy of his favorite bow.  Forged in the fire of Hestia herself, who was incidentally always against his effort to slaughter the enemy but helpful to her favorite charge, by Hephaestus.  As he notched his arrow and locked his sight, he felt a slight breeze.

It was unlike The Gods to alter weather at all during his Hunt, knowing that he sought righteousness always, they rarely tried to alter his path, even Mars himself wouldn’t bother to protect his servants, knowing there would always be more of them.

But the breeze brought with it the scent of pain, the scent of ambition and The Hunter hesitated.

Hesitation is the biggest mistake of any hunter, and today was no different. He felt the shift in energy before he saw the blow coming.  The move from the child of Mars was so quick and such a  brutal blow, it almost didn’t hurt at all.  With a burst of energy to his heart, The Hunter fell letting loose his arrow,which flew for the first time off target.  In thousands of years he had not missed a single shot with his favorite bow and Arrows. 

And as the Arrow landed, askew, in a bush of Wild Red Roses, which seemed to be bleeding on their own, he felt his heart slow down.

There were three Suns that morning when The Hunter began his walk down the grassy path to his favorite hunting grounds. 

As he lie on his back, staring up at the Child of Mars he asked, “who are you that you have bested the Greatest hunter in the world, you are merely a child!” And the Child of Mars responded, Oh Great hunter, I have nto bested you I have merely allowed for your rebirth, in a different Body, with the same justice-seeking soul.  I am not a Child of Mars, but a commander of great armies untold in power; guardian of treasures unmeasured in value. And I bested you because you gave way to my projection.  It is time for you to expire, Hunter, when you believe the scents int eh air rather than the knowledge in your heart you have outlived your use for Sekhmet, Hera can no longer trust your accuracy or success.  The time has come, Hunter.”

The Hunter, looked in disbelief at the Sky.  Apollo, Ra, and Phoebus all looked down upon him, with smiles on their great faces.  The love they sent out, the warmth of those Three Suns comforted the Great Hunter as his life force slipped into the universe. And as the three Gods of the Sun shed their tears of mourning, fiery volcanic ash and lava poured from the heavens into the Great Hunting Ground… Kali was nowhere to be seen.

I was born on a day of Three Suns, amid a firestorm fo ash and lave, under the watchful teary eyes of Three Gods who ruled the Universe. I was warmed at the fire of Hestia, granted weapons forged by Hephaestus, Kissed by Aphrodite and adorned with Peacock Feathers from Hera Herself.  Artemis taught me the art of hunting, and Poseidon granted me skills of riding that can be matched by no creature or Man or otherwise.  I am but a young cub on my journey to being the Greatest Hunter that ever lived. I do not know the father from whom I gained the skill I’m born with, but I know what he left to me.  I do not know my path in life yet, but I am certain it is filled with Blood and Justice, with Pain and Compassion, with Mercy and Love.  And I know I burn with the fire of Three Suns…

Anteros The Oracle - An Alternate birth

How long can you stare, Your Majesty?
Until I have seen what I seek?
What do you seek, Your Majesty?
What is meant for me, by The Gods.
How long can you ignore it, Your Majesty?
Ignore it! Ignore what?
That which you seek, Your Majesty, you have been staring for quite some time.......

As The King turned, away from the window, he heard the voice of his oracle again:

How long can you stare, Your Majesty?

How fortunate, am I, he thought to keep a teller of the truth, past and future, in my home. How incredibly, unfortunately fortunate.  

It never stopped amazing The Oracle, the spirit of Athena-trapped by the trickeries of a hedge witch in the middle of the night-how much the King was seeking to know that he already knew.  What bothered the oracle so, was watching The King’s life pass him by, while he searched for the plan of The Gods.  But bound by the true spirit of Athena’s wisdom, he was only allowed to answer what was asked of him, and only enough detail to lead the King to more questions, or hint to the answers, and with each day passing the King asked the same question.

How shall I spend my life, My Gods? What legacy shall I live? And when will I find My Consort, the man who will steal my heart? The man who will help me raise an Heir, The man with whom I will grow old and rule benevolently?

The Oracle was heartbroken daily to hear these questions, saddened more with each  visit, to hear that The King had still not heard the answers, no matter how much The Oracle told him.

One day Hi Majesty stared out the window, and asked The Oracle, _why do you not answer my question?  Why will you never tell me where to find the love of my life? The man who will care for me and treat me as I deserve, not as a King, but as a man a lover? Why will you not tell me my legacy? Whycwill you not help me discover what the Fates, what Zeus and Hera and Athena and Aries all have in store for me? Why won’t you answer me, stupid Oracle? Why do I bother keeping you trapped such, for no answers?

And with that simple thought The Oracle had been freed.  His spirit could only be trapped and kept as long as His Master The King had confidence in his ownership.  One thought of doubt, of denial of his needs and The Oracle was allowed to roam freely in the world.

The King withered in loneliness, solitude his legacy, sadness his planned life from The Gods.

Athena wept openly that day, and took comfort in her hated sister Aphrodite’s warm embrace.  She had left hints since the birth of The King, his legacy to be the one who found True Love and brought a Spirit from the other-side! Athena knew, from the beginning The King was destined to love The Oracle, the Oracle had been created to love him.  But The King spent too much of his time asking The Oracle where to find his true love and never saw what was right in front of him.  If he had only expressed his love for The Oracle…

And how long can you stare, Your Majesty? What do you seek, Your Majesty? The Oracle wandered the earth, never returning to His Majesties Kingdom for the sadness it brought him, never wondering of his own legacy, for it was clear to him, Anteros. 

Change, work, Psychics and Healing

It is common theme in my life, and I’ve recently learned that is exactly appropriate! I am a Leo, inf act, triple so, a Leo.  And apparently one of the more exciting characteristics for us, is that we love change and challenge. Surprise!

I recently had a psychic reading, and the things she discussed with me, blew my mind, to say the least.

I have a friend, Tommy Lee.  He is an older gay gentleman, who I absolutely love and have adored as a personality at The Club for years.  His partner became ill recently, and finally on Christmas Morning passed away.  I can only imagine the pain that one would go through, after 30plus years with a person, to have to watch them and experience this loss.  I have such heartache for Tommy Lee.  He has decided that he needs to move on, to find employment and build a life somewhere that is not wrought with memories of things he did with Joe.  And I understand that.  It is a form of moving on, and learning to live again, in a new way.  I wish I had the ability to do this more easily. But apparently, letting go is something this Leo hasn’t quite mastered yet.  When I read on facebook this morning that he was packing the truck, and departing this evening for his new life, I lost it a little bit.  This is normal right? I mean watching a friend leave, is a big deal…

So letting go, seems to be the problem right?  I love the new challenge! I love being able to say, this is something I’ve never done and I’m going to tackle it! I’m taking that mountain-head on-battle of wits, test of strength I’m there! But as long as I don’t’ have to say goodbye to this other adventure, I think its finished but I’m not sure, one hundred percent, and well if its not I don’t’ want to abandon it, because that would be failure, so lets just keep that door open as well!

This isn’t healthy, and seems to be holding me back, in my pursuit of new things in my life… 

So my psychic reading taught me a thousand things, and I highly recommend seeing this fabulous and amazing woman, if you ever have the chance. I’ll be happy to share her information.   Among the things we discussed was that I have pushed myself past things in my past, injuries, that I never processed or allowed myself to understand, and therefore never healed from the injuries.  She gave me two time periods that had this affect on me, one regarding relationships and the other regarding my work life and career. 

Today I want to focus on the love life issues.

Backstory: (yesi’m writing this for myself, but if you’re reading ti I want you to understand, right?)

I grew up with four parents. Well, 3parents, and an additional figure that is not to be discussed. 

My mom and stepdad(randy) wee together for essentially, my entire life, as well as my father with his companion of sorts, (chris).

I lived with My mom and Randy.  I have always been incredibly close to My mom. Randy, well not so much really.  In fact when I was kid I really disliked him, hated him at times.  I thought he was mean, and strict, stubborn, rude and disrespectful to me, I thought he had it out for me and always felt like he was trying to make me something I wasn’t ever going to be.  I’m not sure that this is accurate, merely my perception of things.

In looking back he probably felt he same way.  He was always accusing me of lying about things, and I probably was, but I think now his intuition was strong and he wasn’t accusing me of lying about everything little thing, but about something big.  And when we both figured out what that was, (I’m gay, btw) it all clicked into place.  After I came out we hit a stride, and our bond became strong.  I realized he DOES love me for who I am, just wasn’t happy that I wasn’t’ being who I am.  And I really DO look up to him and love him and admire him, I just didn’t know how to say that to him because I wanted to hide that side of me I thought shamed him.

Well all of that is backstory and not unimportant but is a part of who I am.

So while having my reading recently, I brought up relationships.  Melissa, the person doing my reading, told me she felt hurt or pain or shifting in foundations when I was about 8 or 9 years old… I couldn’t’ at first identify it, but eventually, with confirmation from My mom, I figured it out.

My mom and Randy split up at that time.  It was temporary, but it happened.  And I pretended to be happy about it.  In fact, at the time I was glad about it! I didn’t have to have him around all the time, and I finally got my mom to myself, I was finally going to be allowed to be the Mama’s boy I was always accused of being (by the way, let this be a lesson to parents out there, there is nothing wrong with having a mama’s boy anymore than there is something wrong with having a Daddy’s girl.  And you will never FORCE masculinity into your child in a healthy manner. You will only force fear and pain into them. Just let them be as they are! It’s how GOD made them, don’t try to fix God’s creation!).  I was free from him!  Three cheers!!!  Well… that’s what I told myself. I was young but we are resilient s children, and we learn early early early on in life, how to survive in our heads, in our hearts, through almost anything.  My survival method has always been to just force my negative, into a positive.  And I did that so well, that I doubt I ever even gave it time to become a negative, it was just a positive.  But this isn’t true.  I was frightened. I was scared as fuck, to be exact.  We ahd never been alone, and I did’t know hwo to protect My mom yet.  How dare he? How dare he leave my mom alone! How dare he walk away, or worse, push us out and on our own! My mom is a delicate creature, strong but delicate, and she didn’t’ deserve that! We were broke, we were scared, we were in danger and we were in turmoil. And that was all his fault!  I do not know how I processed this at the time but I’ve put ti so far behind me.

I think the take away, for now, while I’m nly beginning the work on this, is that we were in a bad place without him. I blamed him for leaving, and I think I blamed myself, or I certainly do now, blame myself for him leaving. I was so awful to him.  And when he came back(he did come back) I didn’t treat him better, but in retrospect I was relieved.  And I learned something, that maybe I shouldn’t have learned so young.

It’s fixable. Always. It was awful, horrible and scary and wrong, but they fixed it, we as a family fixed it!  So all things are fixable!!!  All you have to do is try.

Flash forward….

I have two major problems. I am scared to death to be alone.

And I want to fix everything in every relationship all the time.

I am always dating, always searching for the protector, the comfort-er, the other half that makes things whole and pure and okay again. 

And secondly, whenever things look like they might be cracking, even a little bit, I am never the kid who says “well lets see if this sand castle holds even with a crack or two.” My approach is to pack more sand, use water, quick try drying it a bit, no, ok try this and I work to fix fix fix.  Why can’t I leave it alone? Some castles of sand will crumble. That’s okay. The right one will hold. It will hold forever, like the brilliant and amazing sand castle I made at the Lake one summer with My stepdads friend, who died a couple years later. Who I looked up to so much. He helped me build the perfect sand castle, and it stayed all day long, perfectly in shape. Everyone else went to do whatever, but he and I worked and worked until it was perfect. My sand castles since then have not always been perfect, some crumbled, some got destroyed by waves, and I tried to fix them always.  But not all things are meant to be fixed.  My parents relationship was. It was for them. It was perfect but ti had faults, cracks, the cracks were sealed back up, in time.  I have figured out my two problems.

Not every sand castle is perfect and stable, and I can’t fix them all, in fact rushing to fix them probably damages them worse.

And I have to learn to not be scared, not to be so nervous about being alone.  Being alone for me isn’t what ti was for my mom. And in fact it probably wasn’t as bad for my mom as I imagine it!  But it is time to figure out, for me, how to overcome these problems!

A few actions steps have already been taken, and for the first time in my life that I can remember, I qm actually acknowledging that I had pain, and I had fear, and it did bother me! Now I can start to heal that wound and move past it!

Thank you Melissa! 

Next on my list is the career and drive for my life calling!